Constant

When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

Tassie Devilings

Back from Hobart!

Back to reality, assignments and frustrations.


This much needed "holiday" kicked off with a sore throat and ended with a bang. Lotsa meat pies and trekking, hanging bridges and snow.


The best part, I didn't think about ANYTHING when I was there, ok I lied maybe just a little. But twas fun. :D

HIGHLIGHT!

I'll be boarding a plane in 7 hours to Hobart (anyone know what I can do there hhaahaha) and apparently there will be SNOW on Monday!

YOU KIDDING ME? SNOW? The last time I seen snow was like 10 years ago in Beijing!!


ANYWAY don't think I will be able to survive the cold there with shorts and tights heh. die.


And my very excited trip to Royal Melbourne Show! :D Like so excited yet not very excited due to gloomy weather but it was worth it! :D Farm animals, HORSES, PONIES, DONKEYS, cows, sheeps, hot farmers, Angus cow wtf not the beef the actual cow hahahahahah colourful tacky rides and booths. MMMMMM How not to love a carnival. Besides it's my excuse to go cause apparently I won't be in Melbourne next year huhu

I think age is catching up (shit this is coming from me!!! and I usually just fuck care about it cause I'm the youngest among my friends and i'm turning 20 already!!!! (!!!!)) and I've started using brightening serum and lifting eye gel wtf T_T I was afraid to go on the topgun ride thingy and those spinning rides (also cause it was $8 a ride so I rather say I'm just scared heh) but I went on the Flyer thingy!! :D The swing that you spin around. It's different from the one in Genting cause this one you're prolly 100 feet above ground and you can overlook the entire show and you can see the CBD from up there :D If that's how heaven feels like, I better collect some karma points for now haha!! A very very cute pony who's so so well trained, it ran by itself!!! The doll riding it is suppose to be a "rider" and "lead" him around but he was actually running by itself! SMART MAX!!! Love horses. :D:D:D:D

Last two picture is to show my UGLY face and FAT body to the very kind anonymous who once again point out to me! :D Since you pay attention to me so much that I'm ugly and fat like a giant, here's more pictures of me, don't you just love it!? I just love annoying people like that, just smother right in their face :D

But main point is cause I was slightly dizzy from the ride (see what I mean by age is catching up) and walking wobbly after that hahahahahaahhaa and my blind partner in crime =P

AND AND AND FACE PAINT!!!!! I was daring enough to pay a lot for the bloody face paint and disappear after one wash T_T But it was damn fun ok, they put glitter on it too! The last time I had was during a carnival in Puay Chai when I was in standard 6 I paid RM 2 (yes this one is like 15 times -_-) for a butterfly on my brow and this one is just, more colourful haha! NEEEEEE I miss those days. Le sigh.

Mehhhhhhh

This is me when I was young. :)


NAWWWWWWWWWWW I was so cute right ^^


I was mother's pet till my brother was born and I was furious and my face turned damn black!!


wtf hahahaha and it was also cause I went to Pangkor and accidentally burnt myself and never got the chance to be fair again fml

This is me during my fat days... MEHHHHH eat too much noms


NOM. People say I have thinner legs (as compared to my bulbous body, like a ball haha)

nom nom nom and poop wtf -_-



Then I needed a haircut wtf hahahahahaa

So I went to the salon (sorry Yen that's so not you wtf)



and I'm so pretty now... :)))) Ippuda!! :D



Summary of the Royal Melbourne Show wtf ok I lied there are more than that :D But I love the sheeps there so cute and omg you can make cashmere out of that fluff?? WHY NOT!?

Too skinny

I'm lying. For all the strong words that I've said, I'm just lying. I'm just putting up this fake face saying that I'm all that, but I'm actually not like that. No one knows me well enough maybe? But it's not me. The things I said I'm fine with my figure, I'm actually not. I have this immense fear EVERYTIME i step onto a weighing scale. From the compliments I get from my mom, I don't feel better, I want more. Maybe those were her encouragements for me to continue, but no, I felt that it's always not enough. And I was that close, from sticking my finger into my throat. All this, is a sign. Looking at runway models and their pin thin figures, what does that tell me? They say the society is fucked up, but that is how "beauty" is perceived. I may always counter argue that they are wrong, but I'm actually secretly hoping I'm one of them. I want to be part of the society to be accepted.

I saw a girl who's about my height that day, she looked amazingly tall with a 3 inch mary janes. She was taller than me that day but with heels so I was guessing she's my height without them. She looked, I dunno, to me, not too skinny, thin but healthy. Just the way I liked it. I did something so stupid yesterday comparing myself to them (how stupid). I sucked it my tummy and see how thin they actually were, I thought to myself, hey it's possible. But how much must I try? To achieve what I want? Seriously, as much as the society is fucking us up, we all know, that is what we want to be.

Having inferiority complex whenever I see beautiful people, Lena Fuji, the korean chicks in crazy girl groups, they freak me out. When I see runway models with that gap between their legs, I want it. I'm turning into this, I don't know what. But I am not sure if I can do it. I'm torn. I want to be like them, but how much must I do to achieve it? Too much? How much is too much? I know there are people out there struggling to "gain weight" and hey everyone struggles right?

This might be a start of something, I'm turning into a monster. Struggling with weight problems is not funny, not a matter to discuss with anyone, not a matter to be shared. One will never understand. I did something so so funny the other day, to make myself thinner using liquify tool. I laughed. I looked weird, like very very weird!! And also a fun thing to do camwhoring in my room.

It's been too long yea??? hahahahhahaa Here's an "outfit" post since, I dunno when. :D I'm very happy with my sartorial choices nowadays. Neutrals, maybe that's my "style", not so much of trending. If I'm following trends now I'd be in probably parkas and army boots like the aussies or wearing lace dresses with exposed underwear ala Anna Dello Russo lol.


OHAI ROOM!! Aww I never noticed how pretty my room is when I stand there :)))) love my cages. Oh of course these pictures are photoshopped approximately 2 sizes down. ;P I got a shock at the original picture!! And my jeans are chat lan tight. It wraps my ankles really tightly people thought I'm wearing jeggings fml! But it's ok, I LIKE!!! bluek. And the fact that my ankles are really thin (thinnest part of my body yeay!) so it's a little disproportionate with my body! So I'm a Triangle wtf. -_- Literally broad shoulders and skinny ankles HEH!

Knitted vest with chiffon back: Ztamp (Singapore)
Jeans: Lee
Belt: Zara


I just like this picture. Totally candid when I wanted to on the self-timer but normal mode was on. MEH!


Another one, my birdiessss :D and matching (with my outfit) curtains :P


Te singaporeans call this my "chao bin" face. I think means smelly/black face hahaha SORRY LA cannot pose to save my life heh! See what I mean by my ankles very thin as compared to my body -_-


AND YEAY I"M SO THIN! fuck this shit I look fucking weird hehhhhhh. And my fingers are distorted.

I need to develop an eating disorder. I shall start by... having some grain waves HAHA.

PS: Comments disabled cause I don't want to hear any thoughts from you or anybody.

Fallen ahead

I used to not worry that I'll be getting breast cancer cause I had no boobs. Back then, I was only 10.

I used to think that, ohhhh I haven't even got my period yet! How am I going to get cervical cancer?! I had my menses when I was almost 14 (pretty late!) and I had the thought well, prolly when I was 13.

I'm not diagnosed with cancer or anything.


But the fact that I used to think that I won't get this and that cause I'm so young and blablabla I can don't give a care in the world. But now, I can't do that anymore. =/ The thing is, I still don't read the news (sometimes when there is big news, like BIG NEWS as in some rich person was murdered or when I'm alarmed by something on the internet). Am I being too naive? Is it wrong to try not to get so many negative news into myself?


I don't want to be seem ignorant for not knowing anything. I don't want to get even MORE negative energy that I'm supposed to be exposed to (cause I myself is pretty negative). But all I see is just bad news, sad news. Will this all come to an end?? Yes, when the world ends (which is pretty soon I assume).


Perhaps it's within me that I don't want to try. I'm afraid of uncertainties, we all do. I'm insecure about things. What if what if. What if I die tomorrow, i'm still afraid to try. They say live like there's no tomorrow, I wanna give it a try, but I just can't pull a muscle and put a leg forward, just to try.

Are we all just afraid of the truth, criticism, ghosts, past, parents, negativity? But how do we all face it? Putting a positive face? How?


I remember I had no vision of me coming back for 2nd semester to study. No vision of me taking the plane, 8 hours, bad in-flight meals. Then I'm back here. 8 weeks later. Nothing. No vision.


Is my life a blur? I'm starting to just make a decision to just go back for good. I cannot envision myself living here, getting a job, with all the weirdos taking the train with me. Each time I step onto a public transport, it's like a freaking ghost movie, I have the fear of seeing another wanker or an old man trying to kiss me (oh new story btw). I don't need the extra attention, I don't want it nor needing it. How is it that people lead a normal life!? I'm starting to question my desire to stay here, my desire to work here and have an accent after years.

I used to have visions of things, what I want to do (though most of the time they are just visions and never really did happened). but not anymore. Not sure what has happened.

Or maybe just somewhere in between I've lost it, or someone has stolen it.

Favourite word

ZOMG that reminds me tomorrow is Chaddie's VIP sale (just extra discounts! :P) and that would be the first time I stepped into a mall since like, a month or 2!! !!! ALARMING RIGHT!!??? Or like the first time I stepped into Chaddie since I came back ok wait I lied :P BUt but but it's shocking!! :P:P:P

spam. Been doing great lately, don't have to worry. :)

Berwick

Pronounced as Bear-rick, not Ber-wick (same as Greenwich, it's Greenich, not Greenwich you thought what sandwich ar, that one is sandwich, not sandich wtf)

Hurhurhur Sometimes I think everything is fated. No matter what I do, it's destined. They say your destiny is in your hands but then after seeing all of the things coming together, it's destined, your destiny, everything. The people, the stories, the incidents, they come together, all at once or one at a time, it's destiny.

I'm actually, feel pretty blessed to be coming to Berwick. I remember the day I was crying to my dad telling that cause I'm fucking not smart enough to get to a better campus (only to know that there are a lot of failures in Clayton and Caulfield as well pffft and I'm doing way better than them HEH HEH) and hearing different stories about how you see cows here (you really do!!! and rainbows too!) and another side of the story being more conducive studying environment (erm maybe? :P)

But most important of all, it's the people that I've met here. Ups or downs, everyone tells a different story. Some we share the same thoughts, some that we might not be so close to, whom we've met or whatever, it's destiny. Everything is fated to happen. So don't question, there might be a book somewhere in heaven or some unicorn filled meadows with rainbows and cakes, with your name written on it. All your life stories will be jotted down there. That is when you die of cause and you'll see what has happened in your life. And then all the pieces will come together and you'll die a good person, at last. :)

Remember I was rather emo that one of my very close friend's leaving to Korea? (not for good but just taking some time off) and I was really reallly, i dunno sad cause I won't have someone close to talk to and have coffee with. We share so so so many same thoughts!! And we both love shopping and chanel lollll and makeup and STARBUCKS! :P And nail polish, and taking pictures and and and it's endlessss :))))

And Boo I had a go and trying to open the purse in front of GPO it doesn't reveal chunks of shiny jewellery, instead, it's sealed dead hurhurhurhur (i know la -_-)


and mmm mmmm, weekly fix of Max Brenner's. I'd sacrifice a bowl of rice ANYTIME for that :D

Do-Re-Mi

Doe, a deer, a female deer
Ray, a drop of golden sun
Me, a name I call myself
Far, a long, long way to run
Sew, a needle pulling thread
La, a word Malaysians use
Tea, a drink with jam and bread
That will bring us back to Do (oh-oh-oh)


JHAHAHAHAHHAHA WHy am i so funnyyyyyy hahhahaahahha

He ate my heart

Pun intended for the title cause I went to Little Creatures Dining Hall! :) Located in Brunswick, all things artsy, and I got myself a BYO coffee cup HOW COOL!? :D

In Aussie terms, BYO means Bring-Your-Own. I can now take my cup to any cafes and ask them to fill em up! :P

Wooden furnitures and bookshelves, 50s diner style booth seats even if you're alone with a baby lol. tacky printed seats grumpy and hungry me, soldiers camouflaging behind green plants :P prawn prosciutto pizza with the best crust eveeerrrrrr, pork belly confit with mustard seed sauce and some unique vegetable which I cannot recall the name, weekly max brenner fix and nancy's pot-o-choc, the ever gorgeous st pauls cathedral next to flinders st station, my polka dots tights. :)

Oh and my diabled teddy biscuit. Love.

Well this happened like about a month ago and didn't bother to post it cause, cannot be bothered. heh.