Footnoting

I find it hard to be positive as of lately. I used to be this "inspiration" to quite a number of people by giving positive talks and all optimism but I seem to have misplaced it somewhere. And then there are those who have the full unnecessary intention to bring me down but I don't give two hoots. Then there are those who told me to just keep your head up high, things will fall into place if you stop caring so much. The more you care, the less happy you'll be. Quite true. And then now I've decided that I'm going to be happy and positive because it's good for my health. Vice versa if I'm healthy I'll be happy*.


You see, when I told myself at the first second of year 2011, I will CHANGE **. I wanted changes. A breakthrough. Something different. Not just physically but also emotionally/mentally. So I started by changing myself. Then I started to see some changes. People's attitude towards me changed as well (or maybe they have changed who knows?), I try to be more "approachable" but that only applies to new people/strangers that I've met. Part of me (mostly) is still this shy/awkward person.


Maybe this year is about me finding strength within myself and not looking to others for it. Maybe this year is about me finding myself, discovering my weaknesses, my capabilities, my future. I'm turning 21 this year ***. It may have only took me several minutes of realization to discover what I want in life, but the past has taught me so much in discovering myself. Maybe the change that I was hoping for is to breakaway from my past. Maybe this change is not to change who I am, but the direction of life that I'm heading to. As confused as this may sound, I have no clear pictures or ideas of where all of this leads to. But this is the beauty of life, no one can tell me what lies ahead. One single wrong turn may lead you to another road that may have better opportunities or maybe a dead end. It is never too late to turn back.



Happiness is a mood and not a destination. If you want to be happy, BE ****.

footnote:
* this is from a girl who just had roti pisang with condensed milk for supper the previous night, this statement may or may not be true. Statement partly true cause girl mentioned above is extremely satisfied with her buttery roti pisang drizzled with condensed milk.

** The exact statement was actually "I will lose weight/get thin no matter what it takes". Keyword: no matter what.


*** Stop giving me the "WHAT? You're only 21?" "You look mature" bullshit. YES I know I need to stock up on facial lifting cream thanks.


**** Examples of activities includes: Eating, shopping, watching a good show, watching cute little puppies roll around, put your knees close to your chest wrap your arms around it and roll around like a fool, looking at cute babies laughing.



p/s: this is just a self reminder note thing to myself to remind me why I held on for so long.
p/p/s: I have some major news to announce soon.

Monday

So why be so blue on a Monday unless you want 1/7th of your life to be blue and miserable.



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Recently (like very recent, last Friday) I've started attending Yoga! YES you heard me, I'm quite tired of running around, cardio everyday, lifting weights and it is quite awkward for me to walk to the machines and lift at 20kg plates. Everytime I try to adjust the plates to my choice I got a shock at the previous users' weight 40-50s kg range wtf -_- And where are the girls when I need them to lift weights with me!?


Went for hot yoga and omg I was sweating like a pig!!!! I know it's not good to sweat too much cause you lose out body fluids and just drink lots of water after to replenish! And one whole hour of pure stretching and balancing and breathing got me leaving the studio feeling more refreshed than ever. And on a brighter note, I can feel my biceps and triceps so tight and sore just after 2 sessions, for real. I mean it's not easy to support a 70kg body doing downward dog and planks and upward dog positions. I think that beats the 25kg plates I've been doing on my low rows HAHA!!! And it's only my first week so don't be too harsh on me, I don't understand all the tamil/hindu words they were saying for the poses like Deepak Chopra chapati thosai Chakra wtf Sorry do not comprehend.

NEEEE so cute. UPWARD DOG POSITION hahahahahaha

Hopefully in few months time I'll be able to twist myself into a pretzel :P

Orange

Was mad craving craving CRAVING for Mart130's infamous toast that I cannot stop raving about. But it's about 6000 kilometres away from where I am right now so I have to settle for less T_T I'm short of mascarpone cheese and time. I specially made panda brioche (cause I like to eat cute things) for this!!! If you wanna know what is dedication, please refer to picture number 1 wtf cause I made the loaf to make french toast!



Panda brioche post another day.

From what remember (I'll never forget it btw) the name of the french toast is French toast with orange syrup, macadamia nuts, bananas and vanilla bean mascarpone. I'm short of macadamia nuts as well (cause those damn nuts cost like 50 bucks for a pack -_-). And because I was rushing for gym and I **HAVE** to eat before working out, I made orange infused honey instead of orange syrup (and less sugar too yeay! Honey is natural honey ok...) and for more flavour, I added orange zest into my butter for the toast! :D Top with a little vanilla bean and a banana om nom nom.

Of course it's not AS good as the mart 130 one, but close enough. ONE DAY when I'm not in such hurry I shall make a proper one. I can eat that shit everyday (and digestives too)

ps: my panda bread crack when I tried to flip it and looks like it has a smirk on it in the last picture haha. HAPPY PANDA!

Something personal

As cliche as it sounds, some day I'd like to get myself a star, heart and triangle tattoo. Just a matter of time, not now. Not yet. Triangle is due to personal reasons which I believe I've explained before, something significant to myself. As of sparrows, it's cause I love how they look (read: miumiu ss10 collection?) and they look so pretty, I'd love to have outlines instead of fully coloured though. Not sure what my parents are gonna say about it but I think the first one would definitely be somewhere hidden. I'd also like to have one on my arm, inner arm, ankle, ribcage, sternum and maybe nape. But as much as I love those really colourful looking alice-in-the-wonderland kinda body art, it's not really my thing, I think it looks pretty in black ink itself! :D

If you were allowed to get a tattoo or you would want to get one, what would it be, where would you put it and why? SHARE!

*insert title*

They say give it time, everything will fall in line.





ps: I'm sorry about the so called half hearted posts as of late but really, my life will bore you if I were to write everything down. Same old, but fatter and heavier. that's all.

Little things in life

Wen just left to Korea for yet another stocking trip for Azorias and you know what that means!??!?!?! New arrivals hehehehehehehehe hopefully that woman will be able to score some really pretty shit for me ya'll =3 And I'm left all alone BOOOHOOOO not!! I'm not that sad ok I still have *some* friends left in le home country. Can you believe it's Raya next week already!? I haven't been a good Embun I haven't been fasting on Fridays!!!!!! (!!!!!)


so.... Yah after wen left I'm left with nothing to do but to starve myself and go to the gym and so to stop myself from eating I went shopping. And you know what they say when you go shopping hungry....

this always happens even if I'm not hungry. Can't help but I have a bottomless stomach (no one can ever deny when they see me eat T_T)

new shoe :D I need more flats since I'm too tall for heels fuck that shit lor, not my fault that I'm tall ok, ppl should just stop staring when I'm 6ft 2 (after heels that is)! T_T


Been looking for a pair of woven flats for ages!!! The last time I saw one was at Sportsgirl during christmas (that was like what? 8 months ago yo) and I regret not buying, I mean it was rather simple nude leather woven peeptoes, but they were so cute!!!! But these ones are cheaper, and they're mustard and navy! :D Impulse or whatever, I need more flats that is. :D And I'm quite surprise that C&K shoes are really comfortable! I tried on these other pair of loafers with fringe and they were like cushions underneath my feet. I cannot tell you what's gonna happen later but it was love at first slip :D



Was early for gym so headed for some skinny Mocha (how skinny can that be when there's CHOCOLATE SAUCE clogged at the bottom of the cup haha) and some good read!!! I got this book about a month ago. No regrets. Taught me so much about time, thinking about life, wasting precious seconds away and it's from a science fiction HEH! Highly recommended and it's like super random/boh liao, just my kind of book (rather than the usual chick lit, licking pussies etc wtf!)

And super random moment! Was about to collect towel from the counter and they were giving out free Anlene samples lately and the usual towel guy gave me TWO hahahahah MADE MY DAY!! Yeah so now I have a mini collection of Anlene in my fridge hahahahaha (yah I don't drink milk cause it gives me the runssss la la la)




See? It only takes so little to make me happy. Why oh why have i been hating on myself lately.




That was my Monday. Come to think about it, it wasn't as blue eh??

Hypocrite

Update: Boudoir-Boudoir updated, please clear some of the items? Thanks love!!

If there is one thing I hate about myself is that I always say I should go for it, but I never do so.

BRAID

I have a confession to make... No it's nothing big but... I. cut. my. own. fringe. and now it's at this not too long or to short stage that's covering my eyes and it's uneven and it has those mice-bitten like edges and I don't like it -_- And when I see all these pretty pictures of long hair braided with flowers (DID YOU WATCH TANGLED HER HAIR IS LIKE OMGDJAHBJBDFS AMAZING) and now I miss my long hair but I think short hair suits me more?

T________T



I need to get a trim soon cause me hair is getting already out of shape. D:

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE MASTER THE ART OF BRAIDING!??? I've been trying to do the one in pic #5 and #6 but fail big time cause my hair is too short and when I try to "curl" it I look like an ahjumma wtf. So all I can do now is braid my fringe fml cause that's the only part I can see -_- and even then my fringe is too short and the ends keep poking out #storyofmylife.


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Almond Frangipane

In the mood for tarts again!!! I love having sweet tarts and decided to make some new flavour. Tried out Tartlette's frangipane almond tart with pears! :D Did you know that Pate Sucree and Pate Sable is 2 different things!!!?????



So this recipe requires honey and you know how I love honey with almonds (even my cereal has almonds and honey in it! Post Honey Bunches of Oats!).

Picture of my tart!!! Loving the colours, the golden brown of the frangipane and honey, salivate!!!!!


I just started this whole food photography thing and I even bought new table cloth for my dining table!!! I even bought rose petals (ok fine my mom did!) and erm to decorate.

Chronological.

Most people I know live their lives moving in a constant forward direction, the whole time looking backward.

Time

"It's true: Time does heal. It will do so whether you like it or not, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. If you're not careful, time will take away everything that ever hurt you, everything you have ever lost, and replace it with knowledge. Time is a machine: it will convert your pain into experience. Raw data will be compiled, will be translated into a more comprehensible language. The individual events of your life will be transmuted into another substance called memory and in the mechanism something will be lost and you will never be able to reverse it, you will never again have the original moment back in its uncategorized, preprocessed state. It will force you to move on and you will not have a choice in the matter."

So true. So much to tell about time, and how time will tell. Time. Simplified.

Mango Tango

I need to whip out my camera to take proper pictures not just phone camera!!!! I wanna do food photography can??? hahahaha I need a prettier dining table, a prettier house and a prettier kitchen. Too greedy meh.


MANGO CHEESECAKE!!!! The last time I had this was when le bestie's mom made them for me cause she knows I love them (and also my extended family WTF). This time cause I was low on cream cheese so I used 250gms of cream cheese instead of 500gm so it turned out to be more moussy than like a cheesecake. This is a no-bake recipe, and I was just roughly estimating the amount of gelatine to use, so I think I only used like... half a tablespoon instead of one -_- Hence the mousse like texture but taste wise it is AWTHUMMMM :D

You'll need:

500gm mangoes, cubed (I use 2 Waterlily mango, super sweet!)
500gm cream cheese (I was too kiamsap, I used 250gm)
1/4 cup sugar or enough to taste (my mangoes are already really sweet!)
juice of 1 lemon
zest of 1 lemon
1/4 cup water
1 tbs gelatine powder (fuck did you know after you dissolve gelatine it smells like ass? like literally)
300ml cream (I used non-dairy cream, it's more sweet than the usual milky rich cream, but you can use normal whipping cream)
about 8-10 Digestives biscuits, crumbed
1/4 cup butter, melted

You will have to:
- mix melted butter + digestives biscuits, pour into your pan/mould and press firmly with your fingers or a spoon, chill in freezer till you need it.
- dissolve gelatine in water in microwave for about 20 seconds (BEWARE: Smells REALLY bad). Stir well and set aside to cool.
- cream the cheese and sugar with lemon zest and juice. Blend cream with half of the mangoes.
- Mix the mango cream into cream cheese mixture, add in gelatine and mix well.
- Gently fold in remaining mango cubes into cheesecake batter, then pour onto prepared pan/mould.
- Refrigerate for few hours or overnight till set.


I realise I used more butter than required cause I didn't weigh/measure how much butter I needed but just a rough estimation, so when it's chilled the butter hardens and hence my base is more crunchy/hard. But who can complain when it's DIGESTIVES biscuit base hahahaha. LOVE! Try it, it really is damn yums =D


Also I've read some recipes that they used WHIPPED cream (well you whip it yourself la, store bought ones are just horrible), does it help it to set more?



Talking about le bestie (i miss her loads boo), look at her DS Lite skin!!! SO CUTEEEEEE TOKIDOKI ROAR MONSTER BLABLABLACKSHEEP TOO KIUT.

yeay thigh gap hahahaha this was taken 1 mth back. I've gained like... 5 kgs over the past month, I'm almost back to my original weight, fuck me.

Say Hey

BOOOO!!!!

Got this new fake frames and I kinda like it! :D Contemplating to get real lenses prescribed to these :D And and and if not I wanna get new frames cause the ones I'm currently wearing is around 5-6 years old and the lens are scratched to the core (no thanks to travelling packing yada yada and just chucking it into my bag tralala) and I just need new frames don't chu get it!?

Saw this amazing ones from Viktor & Rolf on the SA at miumiu and I love itttt but haven't tried it wtf I fall too easily for pretty things HEE!

PRETTIEST TEA EVER!!!! Mine came in a heart shape block of tea leaves and it bloomed to have this flower circle bush thing after soaking in hot water (for damn long wtf just because I'm a hopeless romantic to choose heart shape!). The aunties chose other shapes and it came up to some really pretty looking flowers too!! :D Best thing it tastes yummy and mummy's getting some as well HEEEE. Oh China you've outdone yourself again.

I know I haven't been blogging properly and have been overusing my camera in my phone but it's so convenient! I need to drag myself out and start taking pictures!!! Maybe a KL day out alone and just roam around like a tourist =DDDD FUN!

Littlest thing

Really I am 85% confirmed that the post written few days ago was due to hormones, but really, I'm a lot better right now. And having nasi briyani and mango cheesecake for dinner can't be that bad eh? :P But thank you all for those lovely comments, these small little things will soon become a big picture. :)

Another thing to cheer me up is... SS2 wai sek gai (i call it that cause I dunno what should I call it, the ABC store has been there ever since and it still taste the same!!)

One thing I LOVEEEEE about their ABC is the generous amount of gula melaka and rose syrup that balances so well, and not too sweet, and it taste like JELLY!!!! It's a compliment when we say the food taste like chicken nuggets or mango pudding or jelly or anything processed, cause seriously when you make something from scratch to taste like processed food, it says something hahahha what kinda logic.

YUMMMMMMMMM

a little project I'm working on now, (well of course that is not my kitchen, I wish it'd be though T_T) is to clean out the kitchen so I can work on more yummy food and actually cook more often, so at least I know what's going into my food! So far I'm sorta done sorting out some new plates and cutleries I just got and the dining area. Sort of done but I still have to clean the wet kitchen, find a space to accommodate my new pots (it is love, pictures up soon :P) and my pink mixing bowl =3. Just one more pink kitchenaid and ice-cream machine and food processor and a pink set of knives and I'll be fucking happy!!! :D

Can't wait till the day the kitchen can go into some serious makeover, cause the cupboards are getting old (14 years since it was installed I think) and it hasn't been well maintained until recently I decided to CLEAN it with dettol, antiseptic, lemon juice etc can you imagine the amount of shit collecting?? And my grandma has been keeping god knows what so it was more like THROW THROW THROW and getting rid of things that we don't use, to be put into better use (like donating some unused tumbler bottles and reusing the 29831289237483 tupperwares -_-)


I hope I can get my Kitchenaid for my 21st T____T Wanna sponsor me?? :P


ps: I'm sorry if I'm turning into such an aunty but, you see... I don't have a choice cause my mom dropped me this "job" to clean the kitchen and make it a better place. For me at least :P

Coconut

Had a can of coconut cream lying around and decided to make CAKE. This was made early last month in my crazy crazy cake fest. Was craving for some coconut, and some cake layer goodness, so Coconut Cream tiramisu it is.

You'll need:

a can of coconut cream (I use Ayam Brand, 400ml, but there'll be excess)
5 tbs Baileys (or depending how alcoholic you are)
1/2 shredded coconut, toasted till golden brown or a little crunchy (or more if you want more artery clogging action)
250gm mascarpone cheese
3 eggs, separated
3 tbs sugar
100ml water to dilute the coconut cream
20 sponge fingers
silvered almonds (toasted) for garnishing

Makes 1 4x8 inch loaf + 2 ramekins worth of tiramisu



cream egg yolks and sugar till pale and fluffy
beat mascarpone till creamy, then fold into yolk mixture, add in a little Baileys and coconut cream, till you get a creamy texture, mix in shredded coconut
beat egg whites till stiff peak stage
sacrifice a little egg white into mascarpone texture, and carefully fold into egg whites.
Dilute coconut cream (or use coconut milk/coconut water, just for flavour). You may add more Baileys if you wish.
Soak sponge fingers into coconut milk.
Assemble: layer thick layer of the coconut mascarpone cream, then arrange soaked sponge fingers evenly.
Repeat till you get about 2 layers, and finish off with a thick layer of coconut mascarpone cream, top with almond flakes and toasted coconut shreds. Chill till set, few hours or overnight.


EAT.




ps: no finished product cause I forgotten to snap a picture before it's gone. yumzaaa

I'll go back to RED~~~

Major dilemmmaaaaaaa I was looking back at my old pictures and I really REALLY miss my red hair =(((((((((



The last time I dyed it red was when I was in Korea for holidays and I missed it so much after looking at the pictures again!!!! =(

It was SO BRIGHT RED and I love it cause I'm so AA (attract attention wtf) and it looks so silky smooth when it's red!



SHOULD I!?????

Pursuit of Happyness.

update: Thank you for all of your kind kind kind lovely comments! Do not worry about me. I am very very blessed to have all I want and need in my life, maybe it's just that I'm a little too obsessed over the whole weight issues and maybe there are some other things which I don't know what yet but I do appreciate everything around me, be it having my lovely family around me and beautiful people surrounding me giving me great advices (yes YOU included) or small little things like a cute kid smiling at me. Maybe I'm too used to living alone and doing everything I want, the freedom I get, it's just different now. Life is more than just a smile, but at least it'll make things a whole lot better. :) And looking through the comments reminded me a lot of moments that I was really happy at that one point of time, after all, I am a happy kid :D

Mind if I ask one question? When was the last time you felt happy? (well, you may post anonymously if you wish)


To be honest I can't recall the last time I was really "happy". Was it recently when I was doing something randomly out of the blue that hyped up my spirits or was it so long ago I couldn't actually remember or was it when I was 11 making snow angels in Beijing??

One thing for sure is that I was really happy during holidays (i mean who isn't?). Looking back at the pictures that I had, be it in my facebook or my laptop, I missed the moments I had back in Melbourne. I truly loved that place so much, I had so many happy moments that triumph the very bad moments I had back there.

It's not that I'm not content with my life or unhappy with what I'm doing. Really, no one will EVER complain if they're living the life I have right now, how wrong can things go but when you've given the best you want the better. I've met new friends who've been through way way way more than what I've gone through, tougher lives and they have better stories to tell. And it left me wonder how could they go through life with such big smiles when clearly they've been through tougher times, or are going through something hard?

And then one day I was just talking to a random stranger (ok fine it's one of those virtual diet buddies) and she told me no matter what, just smile. I used to give a lot, like a WHOLE LOT of my caobin face to everyone because I simply cannot be arsed to lift a face muscle. Not sure if it's the whole insecurity/confidence issue but I just wasn't happy enough to smile. I was watching Biggest Loser last night and one of the contestants was saying that she was really unhappy when she was all happy and unhealthy, and that now she lost 140 pounds (wtf?!) and she became a lot happier. Healthy is happy?? Not too sure about this saying, I myself doubt this saying. I do think that i've changed to a more positive person after shedding some weight, but I don't think "happiness" is proportionate to "health". Sometimes it's just so hard to find the right balance.


But at least I now know, no matter what just at least try to lift those corners of your lips. Don't fake a smile, think positive/happy/good thoughts and just try smiling. Just try. Or at least I'll try.



purpose of this post is cause I need to lift my spirits up high high high cause I've not only left a plateau, but more like I gained weight away from my plateau, hah! What's new babies. So yeah, smile to keep my mood high up in the clouds and I'm sure it'll go down again!!