Monday, July 19, 2010

Biggest dreamer and loser

You know who're the people I'm most envious off??

Those who are doing something that they are capable off, and best of all something that they love, they like.

If only.

So many options, yet restricted. Brainwashed or not, it's not up to me to decide. I hate having decisions to be made and decisions that are to be made to determine what I decide. It sucks to be relying on someone who doesn't know you well enough, or a complete stranger to judge what you have to do, and where you want to go.

And what if, what if where I want to work, the interviewer do not know me and judge me based on first impression? And what if the results that I present is not what they expected? Will they listen to the other side of the story?

It's the last semester, I don't think I've ever felt so pressured in my life. This path that I choose, might make it or ruin my entire life. But then again, when I'm given the chance, I might pull through or pull myself out.

Maybe this is why I have been having migraines and racing heart beats, ups and downs, all that I've been through, is it enough? Am I prepared? What do I want?

I have so many things I want to do and I would love to pursue, cooking, tailoring, photography, interior designing, all these that involve my daily lives activities which I love. Clothes, food, memories, moments, home.

To be very honest, living in Melbourne is sort of like a honeymoon moment for me, the freedom, the peaceful life (albeit sometimes not so) and just living alone. It gives me time, it makes me zen, I feel at peace. Because I could hear my thoughts clearly and I receive good feedback from what I'm doing. But living there is hard, another dilemma, should I go or should I stay? Parents say I'm too young to be applying for a PR but who knows what might happen to our dear Malaysia and they say rulings change. So many uncertainties, but should I go against or just follow? I'm confused. =(

Perhaps, the way I'm pursuing may be named the "In Denial" path, but right now, I don't want to think. =( It's my last week to be spent with my family. So many errands to run, and so many things I've yet to keep my promise to. =( I felt like a big fat loser, if only I could run a thousand miles with unlimited stamina. Why can't things just fall into place nicely for once?


Anonymous said...

Hi Ting,

I've read your blog a couple of times and I think that you are very special.

You have a mind set that is rather different from other people.

I'm 20 and I've applied for my PR in Australia since last year (been waiting for it to be granted)

I don't think you are too young and although I don't know you too well, I think Melbourne would suit you more than Malaysia.

People in Malaysia tend to judge too much sometimes (I'm Malaysian too haaha) and I think with your kind of style and thinking, you would be happier in Melbourne.

Take your time to think about it.
Sorry if I might seem kind of rude but I guess I just voice out my opinion.

Have good day.

vicvicvicvicvic said...

it takes alot of courage to chase after your passions because of the WHAT IF thought if you end up failing in doing something which you enjoy doing.

of course, with passion as the driver, i'd like to think that it will bring one a long way! :)

in our current generation, most of us are pretty blessed to have a roof over our heads, not having to fret over whether there is food on our tables because our basic needs are met with the help of our parents.

given so, i'd say chase after your dreams and passion just because YOU CAN!!!! (however, easier said than done coz i didn't dare to chase mine due to the fear of not being able to make it).

also, i was halfway applying for a PR and had faced the same dilemma as you when i was melb but decided to forgo my application because i was "depressed" in

but if you were to ask me right now, if i could turn back time, i'd probably apply for it (as a safety net). doesn't hurt to keep your options open ;)

LavenderFloret said...

again, you capture my exact feelings woman =)