Saturday, December 31, 2011


Delta [ˈðelta] dhélta)

Change. I told myself.

This year has been nothing but changes. At the first day of 2011, make that the last minute of 2010, I told myself, this coming year I'll change. Change for the better, change for good. Just change. I needed changes. I don't know what has gotten me in 2010 that I was really upset, I didn't really have a place to turn to and I found that I was dwelling in my own sorrow day after day. (but for those who cared, and stuck on, you know who you are, and I'm ever grateful *kiss*)

And I told myself, I need to change. I took charge of whatever that I had, I told myself I will first shed some weight, which I did, but now more so that, I'm no longer too concern with my weight, but being comfortable with myself. Self loving is most important, but of course, family loving is the best and you cannot deny it. :) You thought that being comfortable with yourself is the easiest thing to do in the world, because you see yourself everyday, you're living in this shell everyday that what's there not to love?? You can't hate something you see everyday, just like RICE, you eat them everyday, you don't hate them. But you're wrong. I have this self loathing thing going on all my life, why my parents don't love me more, will my best friend leave me just because she's in a relationship, or what if I do this, will people dislike me. I spent most of my life pleasing people, so that I won't get hated. I needed the company, the attention, the love from others. It was horrible. I didn't know how to love myself that I do things to please people just because I don't wanna be disliked. I didn't go to the extend that I'm some child slave but you know, just doing things out of my reach to please people. And that was the wrongest thing I've ever did. And then slowly I found this strength within myself that I didn't know I had. Some inner energy that nothing can really describe it that, my mind went a little like "you know what? Screw you, if you're gonna hate me for wearing a Chanel purse, I can't give a fuck". See? I spent most of my life caring what others think about me, SO WHAT if I don't smile all the time? Do I have to put on a fake smile if I don't want to? I have a choice of doing the things I WANT to do. Sometimes when I want to cry, I'll just CRY.

One of the best things is having alone time. Like alone time in the gym, music so loud that I can't hear a thing, stretching my ass off, doing bridges like a boss. Ignoring what others think, so what if I cannot deadlift 500kg? SO WHAT? You know what YOU should be taking care off?? Your wedgie in your very tight compression tights (and it's a man I'm talking about oh the horror). Alone time in my room, with my candles lit up, smelling like caramelized chocolate and good music.

I think what I found is solace. There's always this great abyss that one can never seem to understand, this extreme deep hollow space in our minds that we'll never figure out what that is? We tend to use other things to fill it up, material, immaterial, tears, sorrow, laughter, anger, we find things to fill unfulfilled needs. But maybe, if you stop for a little while, you'll find it. Be it you found yourself lying on the bed alone, or with your dog, or your other half, just stop for a moment, just breathe (if you have smelly underwear/socks in your room, I suggest just a small breath will do wtf). Things may not be as complicated as you think. I think too much. (I never hear the end of this ever since my MCM days cause they call me Ting, and they relate it to Thing and Think and Ting, and they go Ting I think ah Ting, or Thing Thing -_- le sigh but it's good laugh hahahhaa). Yes, I overthink things, and whenever I do that I stop. I go back to square one and try to simplify things. Maybe things are better off the way they already are.

The biggest change in life is not about physical changes, but more so the change in your thoughts, and how your mind works. I always tell myself that I can't do this shit what if I break my back blablabla. And then I never give it a try. I stepped out of my comfort zone and this new life I'm leading has finally begun. Sometimes you have to be selfish for yourself, forget about others and do the things you love. If reading is what you love, read. If swimming is what you love, swim. If sleeping is what you love then sleep! Nothing is going to stop you from what you love to do. And when you're finally loving what you do, you'll love yourself more, love the life you have, because it's the ONLY life you have.

I didn't set any resolutions for 2011. Because when I set a limit, then I won't push through what I've set. When I have limits, I'll just stay within it, obeying rules and just being the usual coward self. But I told myself to change, with no boundaries. I'm sorry if you hated how I've changed, but maybe you're one of those changes I'm making in my life. I don't need others to hold me back, I'm marching forward and nothing's stopping me. Because I have a clear vision of what I want to be, and I won't stop till I'm there. As for my career, this whole chef thing, may have overwhelmed me, I don't work well under pressure. It's been a great journey being in MCK, but really?? Prepping and cooking everything in a time limit, it's not really my thing. All I can say is I'm lacking of practical training and due to my inexperience and some other circumstances that, working in a kitchen is not an option for now. BUT, that does not mean that my dream/vision/goal of opening my own cafe/restaurant won't come true. Just not now, or in the near future (you gotta look at the finances ok! unless some kind soul would like to invest? haha dream on, it's better to do it on your own than to depend on others). Right now I'm looking into getting a job, or getting into a culinary course. I got support for either routes, and that is one thing I am so blessed with, my parents and family's support.

2011 has been nothing but a great year. I've gained so much more than I could have imagined. The people I met, the events I been to, the changes I made, it's all about stepping out of your comfort zone. I'm not sure if 2012 will be as good as 2011, so stop making comparisons, live everyday as if it's your last, keep your chin up, and march on. Life goes on.

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