Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Thoughts

Update: I found a solution for this problem, more like a FEW solutions.

If there was a God, I would spit in his face for subjecting me to this. If there was a Devil, I would sell him my soul to make it end. If there was something Higher that controlled our individual fates, I would tell it to take my fate and shove it up its fucking ass. Shove it hard and far, you Motherfucker. Please end. Please end. Please end." -A Million Little Pieces (via mama-wolf) (via shitgaze)


Despite the fact that living alone is tough, hard and you have to manage your life, I find every day more and more interesting, it's like a challenge every single day. A challenge a day keeps the sorrow away. Because everyday I find out something new about something, someone or just anything. Everyday I see from people's actions and gestures (same no?) I learn something new. And this keeps me from finding out more instead of drowning my emotions into deeper sadness, and it goes deeper and deeper. Knowing the fact that my exam timetable is as fucked up as my life, I should be doing something about it now instead of going all boohoo about it. Because some people who are not as fortunate, been through something that I am facing now and has taught me how I should be handling things when shit happens.


And also because sometimes being alone gives you time to think. I've been doing a lot of thinking this past 2 semesters and it is a good time killer (not that I like wasting time nor I have a lot to waste seeing I cannot predict the future). I like thinking. Walking while thinking, people watching and think, shopping and think, eating and think, cooking and thinking.l I think all the time (well there are good and bads) because sometimes I think tooooo much I tend overthink some things, and I may over-analyse some things that may lead to misinterpretations or misunderstandings.


And I begin to jot down little notes in my mind or in the Notes application on my Touch. Just small little things, little quotes or just thoughts (a lot since I think too much). And sometimes you just look through it, feeling slightly lost, and trying to find that feeling again. The feeling of what happened at that moment that made you think that way, or feeling a little stupid for feeling like shit at that moment or just anything.


This is boring you I know that. But maybe this is the only way on how I could express myself. I've never really expressed anything to anyone, cause all I get is that no one give two fucks about me. And this space being my venting machine (haha vending machine wtf I find that funny no?), I find the comfort expressing myself. I can do all sorts of crazy shits like posting all my 12873673 camwhore pictures. Maybe it's the way I am brought up that my parents don't really care how we think, it is the end result that matters and it's not all about the process. But for me, I care more about the process than the end result. I may not be doing what I love or what I want, and it may be what my parents want me to do, I'm trying to find the good in the bad (bad in my opinion) and am trying to enjoy. I wanna make them feel happy. Will I graduate and get a stable job with stable income in the future or I'd pursue what I wanna do? What do I want to do? Truth be told I am not happy with what I am doing now let alone what I'll be doing in the future, an accountant. With a mixture of marketing, is that what I really want? 4 words, I am not happy. But anyone care? NO. Can I do anything to save that? YES! And the only way to do it is suck it up. Seek happiness in what you're doing no matter how hard, how much you hate it.


And so many mixed feelings. all these that made me so unhappy but yet I am not homesick nor lonely nor heartbroken, or maybe I am just tired. Another thing that got me thinking is, should I stay here, or go home. Since this place left me so much alone time to think so much and got me so much ups and downs, is this what I want? I like this place as much as I do back home, but this is not where I'm from, but I really like this place (or maybe it's just Berwick), despite the racism and bad train incidents and the perverted drunk men around. I find familiarity in this place. It's somewhere I've never been before but yet I find it comfortable to live in, or maybe I just need a change. Since I am easily tired of things, or maybe I am just tired of my own country, my home. Maybe it's the new found freedom that I gained here that I enjoy a lot that I don't get back home, the curfews, the parental talks, the no to this and that and many other things. And I don't get "stereotyped" here. I don't know what is wrong with my face or is there written "loser" on my forehead that I cannot see, I always have the insecurity that I'm being stared at back home, not in a good kind of stare, but it's a kind of stare that one disgusts or anything that just make me uneasy, and I do not feel comfortable. But I find the comfort of walking around freely here that I don't seem to have back home. It's like a new found confidence that shine through me, that I never seem to have. (lets not start with the confidence issue here). I just feel more comfortable here. Maybe it's the fact that I like being alone. Or maybe I'm just born to be a loner. =/


But who knows how long will I be safe in my "comfort zone" before my next emotional breakdown? Can you tell me?

5 comments:

electronicfly said...

#1: Thinking is good.
#2: No, you're not boring, not me at least. It's good to see that you're being you on your personal blog, instead of being forever super happy Teeny (Not that I enjoy you not being all happy happy, I think you get what I mean?)
#3: True, seek happiness in what you're doing no matter what, but that doesn't mean that you're stuck doing something just because you are doing it. You don't have to wear that dress 24/7, 365 days a year just because you bought it, right?
Think through your choices, of what you want and what you need with a pinch of what your family says. But always remember that in the end,it's your life.
#4: You got the word wrong. It's not "Loser" written on your forehead. It's "Leng Luiiii"
#5:Take care, and don't forget that there's always someone you can talk to about anything, be it family, friends or a psychologist. (hehehe trying to up the market for my potential future job)

t3ngt3ng said...

hope things will be ok for u :)

i feel sad reading this post coz it reminds me about myself. it reminds me that i've been wasting my life doing something i hate. probably i will be wasting more time doing the same shit but i don't have a choice. i'm such an emotard sigh.

Brenda said...

Hi Ting, I know I don't really know you but I really hope you feel better. I think I know what you mean - I've felt similar ever since I came to Melbourne nearly 3 years ago.. Coincidentally my boyfriend joined me last year but he just went home last night and I'm back to feeling all those insecurities that you feel. I'm just trying to have faith and get focused atm - maybe I'm being a bit hypocritical cos I'm still not there yet but yea chin up we'll get through. Think but don't think too much. :P

LavenderFloret said...

this is one of the best blog posts I've read in my life

it is exactly how I feel about Melbourne, with some slight variations with the "what I want to do" vs "what I have to do situation" of yours

yours is studies, mine is some other stuff lol

anyway stay strong *hug*

Vivien said...

I *think* I know what you mean.
I don't want to be an accountant too. But my parents and older brother are.

I don't think you're boring :) I liked this post, a fucking lot. It's alright to think! Thinking broadens the mind. And Loser + Ting? They SO do not go together okay. Haha, I do the Notes thing too. You are a very inspiring, beautiful, bright and spunky chick, Ting.

You have SO much more in front of you. Life is short, fuck everyone else and do whatever the fuck you want to do.

And I care! That matters, right! :P

I'll still be here :)
*hug*