Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Love is for two people who don't know how to be alone


I have been watching quite some indie movies, which I like, it's so. I dunno, real. Instead of the usual fake happy ending shows, very cheesy and shit. Like Shutter Island (omg please don't watch it, don't waste money) -_- the "climax" was just -_-.

Anyway I was watching some shows which has Julie Delpy in it I think she's beautiful. The way she speaks english with a little bit of French accent is love.

And when I thought of beauty, I'll go into deep depression wtf cause I know I am no Miranda Kerr or Audret Tautou cause I am hui ting =( And I am not sure why but judgmental people gets on my nerve, a lot. I've never really talked to anyone about this, but whenever people talk about weight issues, I get sensitive, I get all uncomfortable and I'll keep quiet but secretly I feel like screaming and crying. Because how many who talked about it actually been through it?

I know having the perfect figure is not easy, at all. People put in so much effort for it. But haven't you thought that maybe I myself have put in the effort too?

I know I relied on drugs that fucks my mind, but you know the thought of it when my sister told me that my dad wants me to go on medication cause I was too fat, you know how heartbreaking it is to hear that? And my mom convinced me that it has no side effects blabla your dad wouldn't put you to your deathbed blabla and now the drug is banned in Europe and some other countries.-_- And the moment I found out, I felt so depressed, I felt so useless, I felt UGLY. Not exactly the best feeling in the world, but it made me all humble and nicer to people cause I felt ugly. Because ugly is not acceptable in this world so to be acceptable in the society you have to be nice, impress them with your inner beauty not your outer ugly shell.

And you can't blame me for being all confident and shit after I lost some weight and started wearing skinnies. I actually felt good, I felt prettier, healthier and most of all lighter. A heavy weight was lifted off my chest (literally wtf) and I just feel good about myself cause I can wear nice things (except in large sizes).

Have you been through that stage that whenever you try on a pair of shorts and it fit, but you can't button it (fml) and that's the heartbreaking part. It's the largest size on the rack, and you can't button it even if you've turned blue sucking in to button. I hate the feeling of getting all nervous and sweaty when I'm in the changing room whether I'm stuck in a top or can't zip up a pair of jeans. It felt like hell. That moment when you're struggling, that sucks. It's always that moment that made everything felt like forever and I will get really depress. I just feel like i'm the biggest loser (no pun intended).

I'm not saying that everyone has to be pin thin but I just don't like the fact that skinny people have the right to say all sorts of bad things about fat people when they have not gone through a single thing we've been through. You know how I feel when I binge? I felt the extreme guilt, as if I'm a murderer. At times I thought of attempting to throw up my food to make myself feel better, that is how desperate I am. All this because the society's level of acceptance is so low that anything above a size 8 (UK) is fat and that a girl with flabby arms is called a fat bitch.

What gives you the right to discriminate against fat people and what gives you the authority to do so.

Who doesn't want to be model thin and all. You know when I see obese people on the streets, I felt sorry for them. I felt bad. Because I understand the feeling they have. Because being "big" is like a crime people will stare. They will stare as if you killed their mother and treat you like a freak. BUT WHY!

Another thing I don't understand is why singaporeans are always criticizing fat people? There was once I was in Far East, and there's this bangle which is of normal size bangle prolly 3-4 inches in diameter and this girl saw it and went "EE so big, must be made for fat people wan lor" complete with the lor and EE dragged for 4 seconds. And her friend laughed with her. Then there was once in FEP also, during my birthday dinner night at White Rabbit, while exiting the plaza, a girl went "EH EH ni kan ta de armpit" (eh you see her armpit) well I suppose she's talking about me, cause my meaty armpits were squeezing out of my tube dress, that are suppose to be squeeze into my push up bra and make it to boobs you flatty! She said it so loudly, if it wasn't that we were late I would have stomped on her chest and make em concave.

Probably that is the only thing they can criticize about cause other than that they have no brains no beauty whatsoever am I right?

Then there were the ones who just can't stop telling the things that I've already know. Like I'm fat blablablabla, tell me something new, like, hey you have more cellulite on your thighs compare to yesterday or like your boobs shrink that kinda thing? They just keep repeating the same old thing, whining about the same old story. What is your problem seriously.

Comments off I just wanna rant.