Friday, September 17, 2010

Fallen ahead

I used to not worry that I'll be getting breast cancer cause I had no boobs. Back then, I was only 10.

I used to think that, ohhhh I haven't even got my period yet! How am I going to get cervical cancer?! I had my menses when I was almost 14 (pretty late!) and I had the thought well, prolly when I was 13.

I'm not diagnosed with cancer or anything.

But the fact that I used to think that I won't get this and that cause I'm so young and blablabla I can don't give a care in the world. But now, I can't do that anymore. =/ The thing is, I still don't read the news (sometimes when there is big news, like BIG NEWS as in some rich person was murdered or when I'm alarmed by something on the internet). Am I being too naive? Is it wrong to try not to get so many negative news into myself?

I don't want to be seem ignorant for not knowing anything. I don't want to get even MORE negative energy that I'm supposed to be exposed to (cause I myself is pretty negative). But all I see is just bad news, sad news. Will this all come to an end?? Yes, when the world ends (which is pretty soon I assume).

Perhaps it's within me that I don't want to try. I'm afraid of uncertainties, we all do. I'm insecure about things. What if what if. What if I die tomorrow, i'm still afraid to try. They say live like there's no tomorrow, I wanna give it a try, but I just can't pull a muscle and put a leg forward, just to try.

Are we all just afraid of the truth, criticism, ghosts, past, parents, negativity? But how do we all face it? Putting a positive face? How?

I remember I had no vision of me coming back for 2nd semester to study. No vision of me taking the plane, 8 hours, bad in-flight meals. Then I'm back here. 8 weeks later. Nothing. No vision.

Is my life a blur? I'm starting to just make a decision to just go back for good. I cannot envision myself living here, getting a job, with all the weirdos taking the train with me. Each time I step onto a public transport, it's like a freaking ghost movie, I have the fear of seeing another wanker or an old man trying to kiss me (oh new story btw). I don't need the extra attention, I don't want it nor needing it. How is it that people lead a normal life!? I'm starting to question my desire to stay here, my desire to work here and have an accent after years.

I used to have visions of things, what I want to do (though most of the time they are just visions and never really did happened). but not anymore. Not sure what has happened.

Or maybe just somewhere in between I've lost it, or someone has stolen it.

1 comment:

Poppy said...

I have the same fears myself. I hate reading the news, and everytime someone dies or have cancer (even though i donno them) i'll get really upset.

haih...but in a twisted way, i'm glad i'm not alone in facing this...i tot i'm crazy sometimes.