Saturday, September 18, 2010

Too skinny

I'm lying. For all the strong words that I've said, I'm just lying. I'm just putting up this fake face saying that I'm all that, but I'm actually not like that. No one knows me well enough maybe? But it's not me. The things I said I'm fine with my figure, I'm actually not. I have this immense fear EVERYTIME i step onto a weighing scale. From the compliments I get from my mom, I don't feel better, I want more. Maybe those were her encouragements for me to continue, but no, I felt that it's always not enough. And I was that close, from sticking my finger into my throat. All this, is a sign. Looking at runway models and their pin thin figures, what does that tell me? They say the society is fucked up, but that is how "beauty" is perceived. I may always counter argue that they are wrong, but I'm actually secretly hoping I'm one of them. I want to be part of the society to be accepted.

I saw a girl who's about my height that day, she looked amazingly tall with a 3 inch mary janes. She was taller than me that day but with heels so I was guessing she's my height without them. She looked, I dunno, to me, not too skinny, thin but healthy. Just the way I liked it. I did something so stupid yesterday comparing myself to them (how stupid). I sucked it my tummy and see how thin they actually were, I thought to myself, hey it's possible. But how much must I try? To achieve what I want? Seriously, as much as the society is fucking us up, we all know, that is what we want to be.

Having inferiority complex whenever I see beautiful people, Lena Fuji, the korean chicks in crazy girl groups, they freak me out. When I see runway models with that gap between their legs, I want it. I'm turning into this, I don't know what. But I am not sure if I can do it. I'm torn. I want to be like them, but how much must I do to achieve it? Too much? How much is too much? I know there are people out there struggling to "gain weight" and hey everyone struggles right?

This might be a start of something, I'm turning into a monster. Struggling with weight problems is not funny, not a matter to discuss with anyone, not a matter to be shared. One will never understand. I did something so so funny the other day, to make myself thinner using liquify tool. I laughed. I looked weird, like very very weird!! And also a fun thing to do camwhoring in my room.

It's been too long yea??? hahahahhahaa Here's an "outfit" post since, I dunno when. :D I'm very happy with my sartorial choices nowadays. Neutrals, maybe that's my "style", not so much of trending. If I'm following trends now I'd be in probably parkas and army boots like the aussies or wearing lace dresses with exposed underwear ala Anna Dello Russo lol.

OHAI ROOM!! Aww I never noticed how pretty my room is when I stand there :)))) love my cages. Oh of course these pictures are photoshopped approximately 2 sizes down. ;P I got a shock at the original picture!! And my jeans are chat lan tight. It wraps my ankles really tightly people thought I'm wearing jeggings fml! But it's ok, I LIKE!!! bluek. And the fact that my ankles are really thin (thinnest part of my body yeay!) so it's a little disproportionate with my body! So I'm a Triangle wtf. -_- Literally broad shoulders and skinny ankles HEH!

Knitted vest with chiffon back: Ztamp (Singapore)
Jeans: Lee
Belt: Zara

I just like this picture. Totally candid when I wanted to on the self-timer but normal mode was on. MEH!

Another one, my birdiessss :D and matching (with my outfit) curtains :P

Te singaporeans call this my "chao bin" face. I think means smelly/black face hahaha SORRY LA cannot pose to save my life heh! See what I mean by my ankles very thin as compared to my body -_-

AND YEAY I"M SO THIN! fuck this shit I look fucking weird hehhhhhh. And my fingers are distorted.

I need to develop an eating disorder. I shall start by... having some grain waves HAHA.

PS: Comments disabled cause I don't want to hear any thoughts from you or anybody.