Tuesday, October 11, 2011


I thought a break from my usual routine was all I needed. But apparently after one goes back to their usual routine, things remain the same. Nothing progressed, nothing has gone backwards either. It's like I'm stuck in this time loop, doing the same thing over and over again.

If only there's this "sanctuary" that I can check-in to, like Naoko (from Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami, read it, it's such a great great book) where everyone with problems stays together, when birds of the same feather flock together, you won't feel as weird, you won't feel like a social outcast. I know everyone has their own problems to deal with, but maybe it's just I don't know how to deal with mine. I'm cooped up in this comfortable space for too long. Maybe the break from my routine isn't traveling nor doing things I've not done before, maybe it's something that is SO common that everyone does it everyday but yet we've ignored it on a daily basis. What's that? Not sure.

I haven't had the time to go all "healthy" and shit but I'm still trying. This plateau that I've been at for the longest of time is not driving me insane (yet) but I feel alright, I don't feel "fat" like how my mom told me before I left. Right now, I'm working more towards on gaining muscles instead of being all skinny, I'm pretty sure that when I'm all toned out I'll look leaner. I give myself till my 21st, I wanna look pretty in my birthday dress that I've bought in April (for which I was able to fit in at that time not too sure about now), and also I wanna give myself a birthday gift. A gift for holding on for so long, a gift for myself, something significant and something I'll treasure. On a funnier note, while lugging my luggage around during my trip, it was as if I'm doing deadlifts at the gym! Who says you can't workout while travelling? I walked till my knee dimples came back hah!!

This "gap year" that I've taken is for me to find strength, to seek truth, to seek my own self. Such is reality and hopefully with positive thinking, things will go right, in some way. And for whatever that I've wished for, I'm sure my god will work his magic in making things right, just not right now, but in some crazy ways that he thinks that suits me best.

Have faith.


Anonymous said...

Sighz only turning 21!?
You have your whole life ahead of you!
Enjoy your gap year.
You will do just fine!

mustardqueen said...

anon: yeapppp!!! 21 this December to be exact! I know things will be better soon. There will be a long journey ahead for me to overcome all these negativities :D And I'll striveeeeeee haha :D