Saturday, October 24, 2009

Wait till you're older

They say it will all happen once you're 18. YES it did, and all it leads of getting lost and in need of more optimism to continue the journey. I am so lost.

I need someone to lead me, tell me what to do, spoonfeed me. I'm brought up like that. They say making blind decisions are always the best thing that you'll never regret but it doesn't seem to apply to this very odd example, ie. me. I need people to instruct me what to do or what not to do. Call me naive call me dumb I need orders like a soldier in the army, or like a mother bird telling the babies not to fly out of the nest to keep them safe. I am losing the urge to seek to learn to do things I am suppose to do to lead me back to happiness. The decisions that I've made doesn't seem to be right and I cannot afford to screw up. So many what ifs. What if I fail?

Will I be able to stand up again?

And because I'm afraid of being a failure (yet once again) I'm keeping all this thought and my heart in this dark, cold, secured place where it won't be given to anyone and it will be wrapped with little luxuries and little hobbies. It'll be locked in the casket of selfishness where it will change, it will not be broken, it will not be judged. It will soon become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

Because I am like a mrs field's cookie. All crunchy and big on the outside, but it's all chewy (for what it's famous for) inside. I need to feel invulnerable again. I need to BE invulnerable, just like the gold mines in warcraft.