Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Food for thought

I find it really hard for me to fake a smile today. So I'm not going to try.

I woke up at 6am (again seriously I need to start sleeping at 9 now?) and just couldn't fall back asleep; I was craving for chocolate chip cookies. Awfully sweet chocolate chip cookies that I once baked back in Melbourne (cause I followed the full recipe so it tasted awesome). My plan was to make a sable crust for this awesome raspberry mousse tart, and while waiting for it to set I'll make cookies, cause it only takes max an hour. I skipped. I had a pancake with honey, peanut butter and cinnamon sprinkles. So good, yet less than 100 calories yeay.

I hate how blogger is kinda screwed up right now, all of the comments for my carrot cake post are gone, and they are not recovering it, and I think they're trying to let it slide cause I'll write new posts and eventually forget about it? No, I'm waiting for them to recover cause I know I still have comments that I've yet to reply! I love reading comments especially those that find me inspiring and all, I want to thank them, one by one.

I often find it VERY contradicting that, I always write such inspiring words in the replies to comments, but I find it so hard to actually execute it. But what I can say is, YOU are the only thing that is stopping yourself. If you think you can't do it, you can't. If you think you're lazy, yes you are, you are very lazy, in fact that you're reading this. If you think you can run longer and faster, don't stop, run! (I outran by another minute, happy!). And I'm thinking maybe I should join a marathon, start training for it, sounds fun no?


Bought a pair of overpriced shoes, comfy, great support since I'll be doing lots of jumping and kicking and running. I often overlooked that some things are so much worthy of investing in (lol bags!) that you use it everyday, but yet I don't see myself paying the money for it. For example, a pot. HAHA that will always be my perfect example. I'm going to invest in a quality sauce pan/pot, enough for me to do my cooking. That should be the gift to myself for my 10kg mark hehehehe

And then there are people who asked me for advices on what they should do, really... I can't give you an exact plan of what you can do. Whatever works best for you, then go for it. If starving works best for you, go ahead, but I'm not going to be held responsible for your hair loss of maybe later on death. It doesn't work that way. There is always two paths to take, one is easy; and it's only reward is that it's easy. And who said starving yourself is easy?? The cravings, the hunger? Really? It's just damn hard.

And on to myself. I have always been having issues with my self esteem and no, it is still here. Never good enough, never pretty enough, never thin enough (but tall enough haha), just never perfect. No one is perfect I tell myself that. Imperfect is spelled with I-M-PERFECT. Things like that to psycho myself into thinking I'm normal. At times I feel fabulous, strutting my pretty clothes and shoes along the streets and when I feel that I'm being looked at, I feel conscious, a tad too self conscious of getting stares, and I feel awkward. And I'll start questioning myself again. See, self esteem issues. And because of all these shit I felt, I feel I'll never be good enough, and I work harder. But for how long more? I can't tell, no one can tell me how long more I have endure these shitty moments. And I'll feel the urge to give up... I will start thinking that, oh I think I look fine, people say I look fine (but the scales and measurements not so heh). But no.......... I want moreeeee I want to achieve more, for myself, not for you, but for me!!!! And then I look back at how far I've came along when I look back at the pictures of my my 16th birthday (when I was mocked and shit by this bastard classmate of mine, I'll never forget you)


And to those who've been telling me that they cannot resist food but they want to lose weight, all I can say is, Start NOW. It only takes 21 days to turn something into a habit. 21 days. Just think of it this way, 3 Mondays, 3 Tuesdays, 3 Wednesdays and so on. You can make it happen.


And yes, I get all these inspiring quotes and words from tumblr. I'm no saint.


Anonymous said...


Mel said...

OMG, I do the same thing too!! Where I dress up and feel all glamorous but the moment someone looks at me, I wonder if they're thinking "Man, that girl really shouldn't wear that!". But, I feel that living in Aus now makes me not care cos girls of all sizes where super micro mini skirts and feel sexier than me. One day you and I will be like them....just you wait World! =D

Anonymous said...

i think you're beautiful :)

Yvonne said...

Somewhere end of last year, i decided to join a gym & put my thoughts of losing weight into action.

For just 2 weeks, I made an effort to go gym for at least 4 times a week. After the 1st 2 weeks, I don't even need much effort to bring myself to the gym.. now, I'll hit the gym automatically after work without fail :)

Anyway, u should totally join a marathon. I'm running my first marathon next month! :)

Good luck!

p/s: this is my 1st time commenting here. I've always wanted to comment but somehow never got around to do it.

mustardqueen said...

misshazel: WHY U NEED TO LOSE 6KGS SO MUCH!??? I think u look fine lor, don't be too pressured by the skinny ppl around you, never compete with anyone when it comes to dieting, do it at your own pace, for your own health ya! :D

mel: I know right!! But I tend to dress down when I'm in aus I dunno why! Gotta give it to those angmohs to have curves (whereas my boobs damn flat wtf) and wear clothes that fits nicely!! My boob area always damn loose fts hahhahaha but in malaysia I tend to be quite conscious when I wear nicely and ppl will stare? I dunno why though, different taste I guess =/

anon: Thank you! :) Well... beauty lies what's from within I believe hehe ;P

yvonne: Exactly my sentiments! Now if I don't go to gym I'll feel damn uneasy (and flabby wtf)!! Be it a 30 minute jog or just 20 minutes on the cross trainer at least I'm moving somewhere!! :D Are you joining the standard chartered one ar? It's 10km, I'm damn scared I'll die half way and only so little time to train my stamina!! D: And please comment more!! Share your thoughts hehe!! :P

Yvonne said...

Me too! I don`t feel good missing a day of gym. Once I had to miss gym for a week because of work & I felt horrible. D:

Yup, the Standard Charted one. I can't believe I've signed up for the 10km cause I don`t like running wtf. (Will tell you next month if I survive the marathon or not. :p) But it motivates me to train harder.

Will surely comment more. Keep on inspiring people! :)

Kimmy said...

I feel guilty reading your blog these days.. cause I know I should be hitting the gym instead of sitting in front of the comp stalking blogs.. :P

good luck with the marathon training!!

btw, do u happen to have a tumblr account?

revel in me said...

Eh do with CM la! One marathon in July.Then we all run together wtf. :P

Anonymous said...

Love this post. It's so motivating? You look really good in your previous post. Have you hit a new low weight? Keep going! But don't overdo it k? All the best! ;)

mustardqueen said...

yvonne: lolll same for me too!! Just that some times I'm just too dead to go to the gym and workout but I definitely attend classes la! :) All the best for the Standard Chartered marathon!!! Train well and don't stress too hard!! :)

kimmy: hahahaha no la it is to "motivate" ppl to move wtf!! I'm not sure if I wanna go for the marathon cause I haven't even sign up for it! hahahahaha erm, i do have a tumblr acc but I don't update it.

wen: ehh he going meh!! but if it's more than 10km then you go run yourself WTF

anon: Thank you!! I'm glad my words did help motivating people! Nope I've been at a plateau for about 2 weeks but that's probably cause I've been working out and gaining muscle mass :) I'll take care of myself don't worry!!

Rachelle said...

I think you're awesome too! ^__^

Thanks for always adding a dash of encouragement for all us readers~ :)

Now to pick up my lazy arse to go.. ugh.. work out. :x haha