Monday, August 08, 2011

Pursuit of Happyness.

update: Thank you for all of your kind kind kind lovely comments! Do not worry about me. I am very very blessed to have all I want and need in my life, maybe it's just that I'm a little too obsessed over the whole weight issues and maybe there are some other things which I don't know what yet but I do appreciate everything around me, be it having my lovely family around me and beautiful people surrounding me giving me great advices (yes YOU included) or small little things like a cute kid smiling at me. Maybe I'm too used to living alone and doing everything I want, the freedom I get, it's just different now. Life is more than just a smile, but at least it'll make things a whole lot better. :) And looking through the comments reminded me a lot of moments that I was really happy at that one point of time, after all, I am a happy kid :D


Mind if I ask one question? When was the last time you felt happy? (well, you may post anonymously if you wish)

To be honest I can't recall the last time I was really "happy". Was it recently when I was doing something randomly out of the blue that hyped up my spirits or was it so long ago I couldn't actually remember or was it when I was 11 making snow angels in Beijing??

One thing for sure is that I was really happy during holidays (i mean who isn't?). Looking back at the pictures that I had, be it in my facebook or my laptop, I missed the moments I had back in Melbourne. I truly loved that place so much, I had so many happy moments that triumph the very bad moments I had back there.

It's not that I'm not content with my life or unhappy with what I'm doing. Really, no one will EVER complain if they're living the life I have right now, how wrong can things go but when you've given the best you want the better. I've met new friends who've been through way way way more than what I've gone through, tougher lives and they have better stories to tell. And it left me wonder how could they go through life with such big smiles when clearly they've been through tougher times, or are going through something hard?

And then one day I was just talking to a random stranger (ok fine it's one of those virtual diet buddies) and she told me no matter what, just smile. I used to give a lot, like a WHOLE LOT of my caobin face to everyone because I simply cannot be arsed to lift a face muscle. Not sure if it's the whole insecurity/confidence issue but I just wasn't happy enough to smile. I was watching Biggest Loser last night and one of the contestants was saying that she was really unhappy when she was all happy and unhealthy, and that now she lost 140 pounds (wtf?!) and she became a lot happier. Healthy is happy?? Not too sure about this saying, I myself doubt this saying. I do think that i've changed to a more positive person after shedding some weight, but I don't think "happiness" is proportionate to "health". Sometimes it's just so hard to find the right balance.

But at least I now know, no matter what just at least try to lift those corners of your lips. Don't fake a smile, think positive/happy/good thoughts and just try smiling. Just try. Or at least I'll try.

purpose of this post is cause I need to lift my spirits up high high high cause I've not only left a plateau, but more like I gained weight away from my plateau, hah! What's new babies. So yeah, smile to keep my mood high up in the clouds and I'm sure it'll go down again!!


miemiemie said...

honestly, i can't remember. probably when i was still a kid and toys made me happy then..but so far, I can't think of an occasion wherein i was TRULY happy. I was just "a bit" happy but something was still holding me back..I feel you dear..we may have different issues in life but trust're not alone in feeling this..i just hope that one day we will truly be happy.

Anonymous said...

Let's see. I am 53kgs and 164cm. When i went to the gym for my personal fitness assessment, trainer deemed me heavy and need to lose 3 kgs at least. WTF moment. I was upset and hated him. Last week, i went to facial and had this free body treatment. Same thing, facial lady deemed me heavy after taking my weight. My possible conclusion for all these is that they are trying to sell me things! DUH. I was so unhappy with people calling me heavy when i think i have a decent height and proportionate to me weight. I look good in clothes and yes i am no kate moss or skinny mony but i actually feel very comfortable in my own skin until some asshole come screw it up.

When was i last happy? Ah there are better things in life that we have to be grateful for. Being alive, being around my family is already a blessing. Should try to look at life differently.

Anonymous said...

I was last happy when I took a vacation alone last year! I went back to Melb and stayed there for almost a month. I cherish freedom like that alot!

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I'm happy with my life(although I can have a million other reasons to feel otherwise) I am fulfilled everyday cause I have a God whom I believe in and who loves me just as I am. If you choose to focus on those unhappy events and sure you would be unhappy. But if you shift your focus and learn to see things(unhappy, or not) in a new light and perspective, trust me, Life would be much better. It's a choice. Count your blessings everyday and be thankful! :) Have an awesome week ahead! God bless.

Xen Lee ♥ said...

You dont need to lose 140pounds to start being happy.. the insinuation that with weight loss/plastic surgery/material things/etc people will automatically be "happier" is untrue. You are just using other things to fill a void.. and once the high of the weight loss/new purchase wears off.. you would just look for something else to fill that void.

Being happy comes from the inside. Regardless of how you look or what you own. I believe that when you start being thankful for the things you have and dont have, and are truly appreciative and contented with things around you on a deeper level not just superficially, you see joy in almost everything.

(The "yous" above refer to people in general, not you-you :D)

Happiness can be found in the simplest things.. I have 3 bars of BOOST (my fave chocolate bar hehe) sitting on my dresser, which came in a package from Melb. As I got ready for work this morning, I remember smiling and thinking of my sister who sent it, about how lucky I was to have her in my life. Those bars have been sitting there for a week now (: During the weekend my bestie came over with her two dogs and we had a sleepover, I had so much fun just lying in bed, watching videos with her, snuggling with the furry dogs, watching her fret about.. worried her dogs might have an accident at my house. HAHA.. I laugh at a lot of things, so I am not sure if Im laughing because Im happy or its the other way round. Perhaps that's not the happiness you are seeking but, these are the few things which put a smile on my face today and yesterday (:

Like you mentioned, you have so many things to be thankful for.. so maybe you can start with one appreciative thought each day and I am sure slowly, you wont have to tell yourself to smile anymore (:

Anonymous said...

I am always happy after a cup of coffee, coffee makes me high,no kidding...I would feel excited and POSITIVE about everything including my research,and start listing down hiking trips and shopping trips to make me feel I really work hard and play hard!

and then of course, 2 hours later I find myself still high on coffee and have wasted time browsing the internet for my weekend getaway.


Anonymous said...

BTW,do you actually feel you could do more with your life after listening to your friends' stories?I sometimes felt really down thinking I was underachieving T.T...


mustardqueen said...

miemiemie: exactly what I was thinking, each of us have a different story to tell and you can never try to be other person's shoes and so others won't understand. :) HAHA I get what you mean when we were younger, a new Barbie doll will make me smile like a fool playing with it all day (or maybe Polly Pocket!! :D). Well like what others say, there will be something somewhere that is worth for us to be happy for. :) Count your blessings love.

anon: thank you. :) I get what you mean when ppl keep telling you and trying to "sell" you things. Eventually we'll give in and buy what they told us too, I hate all this marketing traps we ALWAYS fall into. Well I personally think your height weight ratio is perfectly healthy and I'm sure you look good!!! And yes, I do have a lot of good things that I'm happy about, I'm sure you too. =D

anon2: AWWWW reminds me of my last month of Melbourne when I was there in March. I've done so so much more than what I have done in the past 3 years and I really enjoyed it. Though it was so short and I was most of the time alone but it was one of those best things in life I'd do it over and over again. :) Virtual toast to Melbourne. And I do enjoy the freedom I had back when I was in Melb, hahahaha but not so much of the rowdy crowd back there =p

anon: we're only human right?? ahahahaa I find it funny how we always find things to fault for, and ignore those nice little things in life that are nicely put together for us to appreciate. :) I think I REALLY need to focus on better things in life and how I could change my life for only the better. :) Thank you!!!! =D

xen: you are so right... After shopping or losing prolly 20 pounds, its just like filling a void, what do I get from it right?? YES I got new shoes but after the first few wears and thats it! I dunno, it's not so much about the appearance but there still is this void of happiness that yet to be filled. But I'll never stop searching but at the mean time I'll find better things to do to make myself happy, like... BAKING A TART! Or try to perfect my macarons and then you can have some :))))))) I find so much joy in cooking that it gives me such a BIG SMILE when ppl say it's niceeeee =D When I read about your sleepover with your bestie I get all teary cause I've missed my bestie soooo much, we used to have sleepovers when we're back in KL and we'd read magazines on how to decorate/bling up our gadgets and we talk about everything (minus the dog cause she's scared of dogs haha). Ahhh good times. :)))) Thank you!! Seeee?? Your short little paragraph made me so happy cause it reminded me of so much good memories that I was really happy =DD

Eh i'm serious about the macaron thing, when I perfect it, I tweet you then come collect k :P

LF: HAHAHAHAHAH I get super excited and high after coffee or desserts cause of the sugar rush/caffeine rush!! Totally understand when you can't stop writing or doing something cause of that "high" feeling =P Even a cup of teh tarik makes me feel that way too AHHHAHAHAHA

I think that everyone has their own capabilities. Yes, your friend may be some successful shit in whatever they're doing but never underestimate what YOU can do, maybe your friend can't do it as good as you do? It's about stepping out of your comfort zone and doing what you can, we are all different. Your strongest competition is yourself, and never compare yourself to others. :)

Anonymous said...

It is so difficult to be happy geuninely. Most ppl are just faking a smile and deep down, everyone has their fears and stuff. Okay i am so not responding to your post...

Well my dear, since you lost so much weight, i strongly believe that you can get over the plateau soon! Change your calorie intake, exercise less/more, have more small meals to boost metabolism etc. I believe you know it all. ;)

I am not sure if this would brighten up your day: i have your sisters links in my favourites and you are on the top! Followed by your er jie then da jie. Shhh. Hahahha

Can you do a post introducing your sisters? Like the age gap etc? I have 2 sisters too and i hope that when they/us grow up we would be like the Hoe sisters (sorryz, i hope i rmb the correct spelling!!)


Mel said...

The other day, a guy said to me that I'm so fat that my breasts sag. I went home and cried. I didn't even have the confidence to stand up to him. The thing is, even though I was struggling with my weight and fitness 2 months after having knee surgery, I was barely fat. My BMI was 21.6 and my bf thought I looked better than before. What happened the next day surprised me. I woke up, I wasn't self-conscious and loathing my body and contemplating anorexia. Instead, I looked in the mirror and said "Where's the fat? And where are the sagging boobs?". It's amazing how your weight can completely consume your life, but when you face the bare truth, you realize that that's the body you're born with. Some girls have big thighs, some have big hips. Diet and exercise can only change so much, but genetics plays a bigger role. I finally realized that I can't change some parts of my body (like my chunky calves or my broad shoulders!!!), but I can change how fit I am or how toned my arms are.
I hope that helps, it feels like a weight's been lifted from me cos I've said out loud the thing's that I've been thinking. I never said it before cos I was worried of the judgmental comments like "How can you be happy with your body, you're so big?". So thank you for making me think about it =) I'm so glad that you're sharing your journey with us. It's a slow, difficult process. It's been about 3 1/2 mths since my surgery and I'm only now getting back into shape, but I know I'm not alone =)