Sunday, June 16, 2013


//One thing that I learnt through growing up is to be strong, emotionally. If you fell down, will crying help with healing or ease the pain? Often times, crying is to get the attention kids seek, and how we are taught by the society that, it is to show vulnerability. But really, we know how crying doesn't help with anything, so it's unnecessary. I remember when I was young, I hit my lips against a brick staircase and my lips just cracked really badly and bled non-stop. At the sight of my dad, I stopped crying. I held in the pain. As though nothing happened, with tears hidden in the pockets of my eyes. I was often (99.99% of the times) mistaken as being cold and heartless. To me, certain things, if it's not worthy of my tears, I shall not shed. Not sure how many times this wall will need to be broken, but really, I'm not heartless. What do I gain if I show vulnerability? Sympathy? Will sympathy get me through pain?

I am never good with words nor expressing my emotions. And because I don't know how to express them, I do it with actions. Just maybe some of my actions will get my messages to the ones I love. 

Or maybe I just don't want to have my guard down. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling helpless. I know that I need to learn to accept, but this is really hard. Because I know I am stronger than what I actually am, I am beyond my capabilities.

Oh emotions, you're one stubborn motherfucker that I can never seem to control.


Anonymous said...

people tends to think that chicks that don't cry (we do, just not in public) are tough, inside out.

i have gotten used to not crying and not being able to articulate what i'm going through emotionally, i now only can find myself silently when i'm taking my shower.

if you ever see me cry, it will be a huge mess and a never-ending one. it's not good for the soul.

that was when the friend i cried out to found out i was seriously depressed and in need of serious help. it's been 2 years now, and i'm still battling it.

i hope you are not and not going down that way.


mustardqueen said...

H: I really don't know what you have went through but I hope you will recover soon. I find other outlets to release my emotions, especially the gym. If i'm feeling sad or angry I'll just go to the gym, go to one of those hard core classes and just scream my lungs out while punching with all my might. it does help a little. There are a certain things that only we can help ourselves, I hope your road to recovery will be a success because the longer you dwell in sadness, the more happiness you will lose. Chin up, eventhough I don't know you personally but I do want my readers to keep their heads high and see the world in a different light.

Rebecca said...

Hi Teeny,

i can comprehend the feelings described and it is not always easy. The moment you thought you are liked and respected for doing the right thing gracefully without offending people, when somebody back-stabbed you especially in social media like facebook really hit the bomb button in your heart. (Isn't worth it especially when it is work-related..) That's the moment you felt the intensed disappointment.. i have been struggling this for a while and i somehow learnt to be strong emotionally. However, i resorted to shopping instead and i hate it very much. It's like a token for me to go through life situations. Any help would you share please? p/s: i exercise regularly every night on my stationery bike :( Help needed..

mustardqueen said...

Rebecca: I think I have gone through the same situation as you couple of years back when i was still actively blogging. I cared too much of what others think of me and it affects me so much when I receive negative comments (especially physically). And then I realize that I don't live my life trying to please anyone. You will NEVER please anyone, the only person you need to please is yourself.

I came to realization that when you start accepting yourself, people will judge you less and the world just seem to be a better place. I do like shopping once in a while but as long as it's within your finances I'm sure it is fine? I do like to reward myself once in a while or indulge a little because really, life is too short!

Maybe try to workout in a gym or do some yoga? I love the feeling of intense workout then I relax by stretching. Or you can try cycling on your stationary bike really vigorously and then do some simple stretching, it feels realllly good.

Or maybe instead of shopping, go for a relaxing massage/facial/pamper session. when you look good and feel good, positive things will come to you. :)

Rebecca said...

Hi Teeny, Thank you for your reply. It is just sad that people target physical features to submerge another person's confidence.. It is psychotic struggle, i've been there too! Well, i guess i've overlooked on the fact that i failed to accept my weaknesses and focued too much on pleasing others, like what you said. Thank you very much for this little piece of meaningful advice.. :)